I’m no longer sure where I came by this post, but I found it amusing.

You Might Be A Writer if . . .

* You have a hole in the seat of your pajamas and the postman knows . . . but you don’t.
* Romance means finding a way to keep two people apart for at least 10 chapters.
* Herring is always red.
* If you remember to take the trash out, it’s never the right day.
* Character describes an ongoing multiple-personality disorder and not your personal ethics.
* The bookstore cashier knows your full name and phone number by heart, but you have to show ID at the grocery store.
* Internal Conflict has nothing to do with your parents and doesn’t mean you need a shrink.
* External Conflict, once discovered, makes you giddy with excitement.
* Standing on a scale makes you wonder if Olympic Swimming might have been a better career choice.
* Criticism is something you hope for before publication, and try to ignore after publication.
* Feedback doesn’t mean you’re holding the microphone wrong, but can be just as painful.
* Bad memories are a gold mine.
* Dialogue is the manifestation of all the voices jabbering in your head.
* Font has nothing to do with knowledge, but makes you feel technically stupid.
* A Galley isn’t a place to eat on the high seas, but proof you actually sold a book.
* A Hero is a guy you continually try to flaw.
* A Heroine is the gal you keep making miserable.
* Air, water and food are second to chocolate, caffeine, and a really good pen.
* The last conversation you had was with an imaginary person.
* A Hook has nothing to do with fishing, and everything to do with sleep deprivation.
* A Style Guide is not a measure of how good you look, but how much you don’t know.
* A muse is not one word.
* Plot isn’t where the body is buried, but how they died.
* Tone has nothing, and everything, to do with your voice.
* Pacing isn’t a nervous habit
* A script isn’t what Aunt Sally gets filled at the pharmacy, but your blood, sweat, and tears.
* Narrative gives you nightmares about William Shatner
* Outline is not evidence of what size underwear you’re wearing.
* A partial might actually help you earn the money to pay your dental bill.
* Point-of-View really has nothing to do with what you think, but which head you’re in.
* You can’t remember what you last ate, but the empty plate still isn’t washed.
* Proof is easier to plant, than it is to do.
* Setting has absolutely nothing to do with how many you expect for dinner.
* You suddenly break off conversation and start scribbling on anything handy.
* Voice is something you have to discover–no matter how long you’ve been able to speak.
* Blocks are not the foundation of fifty stories.
* Bed and breakfast describes your office space.
* Compliments about your style don’t address the last of the clean laundry you’re currently wearing.

Photo courtesy of A Ridiculous Raw Youth Blog

Someone forwarded this to a group I belong to a while back and I thought I would share it with you all. It was too cute not to share.

You know you’re living in 2010 when…

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is
that they don’t have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t have
the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for
panic, and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

12. You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a #9 on this list.

I loved this and had to share.

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

IS PRINT DEAD?
by J.A. Konrath
Author of Jack Daniels thriller series
HuffingtonPost.com/5-21-2010

Moderator: Welcome to Obsolete Anonymous! I’ve gathered you all here to welcome our latest member, the Print Industry.

Print Industry: Hello, everyone. But there’s been a mistake. I don’t belong here.

(chuckles all around)

Print Industry: I’m serious. I’m not obsolete. I’m relevant. Print books have been around for hundreds of years. They’re never going to be replaced.

VHS Tapes: Yeah, we all thought like that once.

LP Records: It’s called denial. It’s tough to deal with at first.

Print Industry: Look, everyone, I assume you all think that ebooks are going to put me out of business. But that won’t happen.

Phone Company: I remember when you couldn’t walk twenty yards in a city without seeing a pay phone. Then those gosh darn cell phones came along. Do you know some people don’t even have land lines anymore?

(Phone Company begins to cry. Print Phonebooks joins in. So does Dial Up Modems. Encyclopedia Set, wearing an I Hate Wikipedia T-Shirt, pops a few Prozac. A group hug ensues.)

Video Rental Store: What Phone Company is trying to say is that when a technology comes along that’s faster, easier, and cheaper, the old technology–and all the companies that supported it–tends to fade away.

Print Industry: Why are you here, Video Rental Store? There are a lot of you around.

CDs: There were record stores everywhere once.

Cassette Tapes: Hell yeah! They sold cassettes, too! Someone give me a high five!

(no one gives Cassette Tapes a high five)

Video Rental Store: Things looked good for a while. I had a decent run. Then I got hit by all sides. Netflix. On Demand. Tivo. YouTube. But the nail in the coffin came in the past two years. Hulu. Roku–which allows subscribers to stream video instantly. iTunes and Amazon offering movie downloads. Red Box, which rents DVDs for 99 cents and takes up no more space than a candy machine…

Print Industry: But ebooks are just a tiny percentage of the market. People have been reading print since Gutenberg. They won’t adapt to change that easily.

SLR Cameras: You’re correct. It takes a few years for people to fully embrace new technology. Some never do. Instant Cameras never replaced me.

Instant Cameras: Shut up, SLR. We both got our butts kicked by digital. How much film did you sell last year?

TV Antennas: I’m still big in some third world countries!

Typewriter: The bottom line is; when technology improves, it becomes widely adopted. Me and Carbon Paper used to have a groovy thing going. I’d make the words, he would make the duplicates. Then Copy Machine got into the act, but he’s not doing well now either.

Copy Machine: Effing computers.

Dot Matrix Printer: Effing laser and inkjet. Doesn’t anyone else miss tearing off the perforated hole punches on the side of paper? Don’t they miss the feel and smell of that?

Fold-Out Paper Maps: I agree! Isn’t it fun to open up a big map while you’re driving, in hopes of figuring out where you are? Don’t you miss the old days before cars came equipped with GPS and no one ever used that upstart, MapQuest?

CDs: Effing internet. That’s the problem. Instant access to information and entertainment for the whole world. You guys want to talk about pirating and illegal downloads?

(everyone shouts out “no!”)

Moderator: We all read on JA Konrath’s blog that the way to fight piracy is with cost and convenience. Print Industry, are you lowering your prices and making it easier for customers to download your books?

Print Industry: Actually, we just raised prices on our ebooks.

(all-around sighs and head shaking)

Moderator: Well, far be it for you to learn from any of our mistakes. Are you making it easier at least?

Print Industry: Well, we’ve begun windowing titles, releasing them months after the hardcover comes out.

(collective head slapping)

Music Industry: Have you at least tried selling from your own site? I wish I’d done that. But then Apple came along…

Print Industry: Uh… no. We haven’t tried that. In fact, some ebooks–we’ll use JA Konrath as an example since he was mentioned–aren’t even available on all platforms and in all territories.

Moderator: What do you mean? Konrath’s ebooks are available all over the place.

Print Industry: Those are the ones he uploads himself. The ones of his that we sell are missing from several key markets, and have been for years. But it’s okay. We’re paying him much smaller royalties and jacking the prices up high so we can still make a profit. Besides, ebooks are a niche market. Ereading devices are dedicated and expensive.

Arcades: I used to be a thriving industry. Kids dropped millions of quarters in my thousands of locations. But then Nintendo, Sony, and Microsoft made home arcade machines, and now people play their videogames on dedicated devices. It’s a multi-billion dollar business now, and I can only compete if I sell pizza and give out plastic trinkets to kids with the most foosball tickets. If people want the media, they buy the expensive device. Period.

Print Industry: None of you are listening to me. Print will always be around.

Newspaper Industry: Yeah! What he said!

Print Industry: Let’s not compare ourselves, okay Newspaper Industry? No offense.

Newspaper Industry: None taken. Hey, maybe we can help each other. I’m selling advertising space for dirt cheap these days, and…

Print Industry: No thanks. No one reads you anymore. People get their news elsewhere.

Moderator: So why won’t people get their novels elsewhere as well?

(Print Industry stands up, pointing a finger around the room.)

Print Industry: Look, this isn’t about me. All of you guys have become irrelevant. Technology marched on, and you didn’t march with it. But that WILL NOT happen to me. There will always be bookstores, and dead tree books. We’ll continue to sell hardcovers at luxury prices, and pay artists 6% to 15% royalties on whatever list price WE deem appropriate. And the masses will buy our books BECAUSE WE SAID SO! WE SHALL NEVER BECOME OBSOLETE!!!

Buggy Whip Industry: Amen, brother! That’s what I keep trying to tell these people!

CDs: (whispering to LPs) I give him six years, tops.

Sometimes the way people find my little ole site amazes me. Here are some of the keywords for March.

amanda young naked (trust me - no one wants to see me naked)

slave girl has no way out of her chastity belt

southwestern orgasm (how exactly would that differ from the regular variety?)

“she touched his” milf

2dick 1cock (say what?)

amazone amanda on small man (snickers)

experiences shared by boys that shit in their pants (um, ewwww!)

he desperately held his throbbing cock he had to pee so bad

and last but not least…

if a dick is too thick can it split a mans asshole open

My miniature dachshund, Diva, is barely 8 months old and she’s already in her first heat. I just had to share a picture of her in her little diapers. She hates them, but she’s so cute.

Alien Abduction

Harry, Bill and Steve are sitting at the corner bar enjoying themselves, when Ted walks in looking distressed.

“Ted, you look awful. What’s wrong?” Harry asks.

Ted says, “Last night I got really drunk, and then somewhere between here and my house, I was abducted by an alien?”

Everyone is shocked. “I heard about this kind of thing happening!” Bills says. “What did the alien do to you?”

“I don’t remeber all the details,” Ted says. “All I remember is being anally probed by the alien.”

Everyone is horrified. “I heard that they’ll do that!” Steve says. “What did the alien look like?”

Ted responds, “Carl.”

A friend sent me this in an email. It was too cute not share.

Ponderisms

1. I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

2. Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

3. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

4. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

5. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

6. In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

7. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

8. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ‘I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?’

9. Who was the first person to say, ‘See that chicken there? ! I’m gonn a eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.’

10. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

11. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he’s going to look up there anyway?

12. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

13. Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?